How can I attract a woman? – the female perspective

Before we continue with the theme of building confidence, let’s consider things from the female perspective for a moment.

Ok, I’m not a woman, but we can make some generalisations, and we can also to some degree put ourselves in a woman’s shoes – because some of the things that create attraction work in both directions.

The differences between men’s and women’s perspectives are likely largely to be biological. We live in an age in which quite rightly the sexes increasingly have equal rights and (to a lesser extent in many fields) equal opportunities. Even so, biological differences from millions of years of evolution are not wiped out by social progress. Women are in no way inferior but they are different, including in the way that they respond to the opposite sex. So far, so obvious.

This is a generalisation, and like all generalisations there will be exceptions. But I think it is true to say that men are far more influenced by visual stimuli than women. Sure, women will admire a well-toned male body just as much as we men are attracted to a woman with a cute face, an hour-glass figure and well-formed legs (preferences as regards breasts being more idiosyncratic – but you get the point). But it is said, and I think with justification, that for men the visual stimulus is the most powerful at the beginning, and can take us through several dates with an air-headed beauty before we get terminally bored. Women, on the other hand, respond not just to the visual stimulus but to attitude. Not just later on, but at the outset.

This is where a man with the right attitude can succeed. Let’s take it for granted for now that you can’t do much about your looks (you can, but we’ll cover that later). What you can change is your attitude. A confident attitude will create attraction even if your musculature is not up to Chippendale standards.

I’ll leave it to those who like to speculate on the biological origins of behaviour to think up a theory about why women are more likely to be attracted to men with a confident attitude. It’s not hard to figure out.

This is good news, because it means that those of us not born with film star looks can still learn how to attract women. It also explains why some quite rich and good-looking men fail to attract a woman they want. It’s much more of a level playing field than you think.

More on this soon.

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Overcome premature ejaculation

My ebook, 10 hot tips for lasting longer in bed and giving your woman more pleasure – practical sexual anatomy for men who love women (snappy title I know), is available for a limited time free to subscribers to Amazon Prime, through the Kindle Owners’ Lending Library. For this reason I have had to remove the free pdf link from this page.

If you aren’t a member of Amazon Prime you can still buy 10 hot tips for a mere 99¢. Go to the Amazon Kindle store and type in ’10 hot tips’ into the search box, or click here (US link) or here (UK link).

If you are an iPad or iPhone user you should know that all Kindle books are readable on those devices. The Kindle app for iPad and iPhone is free at the time of writing and it is downloadable from http://amzn.to/9CfhDH or search for Kindle in the App Store.

Free Kindle reading apps are also available for Android phone or tablet, PC, Mac, BlackBerry, or Windows phone 7 from the same source.

How can I attract a woman?

My guess is most or all of us want a life partner who will be not only a sexual partner but also friend and soulmate.

It is vital to be able to attract women, so that you have as big a field as possible to choose from. Of course a woman must choose you, too. My point is, (1) she needs to know you exist, and (2) when you do meet her you need to be able to create attraction.

Dating is a numbers game. Unless you are incredibly lucky, you will need to meet a lot of women before you find the right one. You need to master the art of attraction so that you don’t waste too much time dreaming and too much effort trying to get any sort of date at all. Also, don’t settle for someone you’re not really suited to with the idea that that’s the best you’re going to manage for yourself – this will do neither you nor her any favours.

There are many tips and tricks to successful attraction and I hope to blog about these from time to time, but today I’m just going to mention what I believe to be the most crucial, without which nothing else will work and with which everything else almost takes care of itself.

Confidence.

If you believe you are going to fail, you will. If you believe you are not attractive to women, you won’t be. The converse of these is also true. If you believe you are going to succeed, you are likely to succeed. Not every time, but enough times. If you believe you are attractive to women, you will be, not every time, but enough times.

So the first lesson in attraction is, believe in yourself.

In my next post I’ll start to address the tricky question of how to get there, because if you’ve had a few rebuffs you may have acquired a fixed idea that you don’t have what it takes. Then what happens is that you expect a rebuff, your whole body language says ‘failure’ (which is not attractive) and you get rebuffed. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Given the right attitude and a little work, however, a lot can be done to increase your chances.

More in my next post.

Premature ejaculation caused by not caring

Another blogger looked at my blog, specifically the post about foreplay. The link to a relevant post of hers is here. Here is a quotation:

When he was fucking me last night he was on top and he didn’t look me in the eye at all and didn’t care that I didn’t cum. I suddenly realised why it maybe is good to have sex with someone you actually care about because there is that connection and you build up a sexual relationship. I also think thats was why the sex was so rubbish last night, I couldn’t give a shit about him and he probably feels the same way about me.

So there we are. That’s one reason why I have a problem with the ‘fuck buddy’ idea. And maybe because he didn’t care about her is why he came so quickly.

‘Fuck buddies’

I like to see what bloggers who read this site get up to.

I already made a discreet link to Snarkysnatch in my post on the most sensitive part of the vagina. She writes extensively on the physical side of sex to the almost complete and deliberate exclusion of any emotional intimacy. People who do this are looking for what they call a ‘fuck buddy.’

Snarkysnatch lays out the rules (page not safe for work) which are, in brief: no social contact – meet up only for sex; make it clear to each other that the relationship (such as it is) is only about sex and nothing else; always use a condom; separate after not more than 90 days.

I have a number of misgivings about this, which I’ll share in a moment. But it can be helpful sometimes to look at things without all our usual assumptions. The reason for examining things in this way is that we shall come out of it either with the ability to do things differently or with a deeper understanding of why we should continue as we are.

For myself, I am and always have been a romantic, in search of real love. My ideal (which is achievable – more on this another time) always was to find a soulmate, someone I could share with on every level: intellectual, emotional, spiritual and sexual. But not everyone is made this way. And even for those who are, the sexual makes its demands on us whether we will or no and whether we have a relationship in which the other aspects work or not.

For those of us in a time of sexual famine, the ‘fuck buddy’ option might suggest itself as a possible alternative to lonely masturbation or paying for sex. The rules at least are intended to minimise damage.

If there is no clarity then the age-old story frequently unfolds: man woos woman, he is driven largely by sex, he seems to promise or does promise both excitement and emotional warmth, she falls in love with him, he leaves her and she is heartbroken – with or without resulting children to look after. Men were deceivers ever, as Shakespeare put it.

Another story that can arise from the confusion: man marries woman he cannot really love, or who cannot really love him. No fault on either side – they just picked the wrong partner. Sex can be part of the mixture of desires that leads us to make wrong choices.

The ‘fuck buddy’ idea promises a certain amount of clarity – sex without deception and without permanent attachment to the wrong person. It sounds clinical, but so many people play the ordinary dating game with unclear rules – one wants sex more than love, the other uses sex as a way to get love – and from this lack of clarity all kinds of unnecessary pain result.

Personally I doubt whether the ‘fuck buddy’ idea can be turned into a satisfying way of life. We are mortal, our time is limited and we need more than just sex. It is clear that even our outspoken blogger Snarkysnatch falls in love (unusually this one is safe for work, at least at the time of writing) and has emotional needs. Emotional needs do get tangled up with sex. For those who practice sex in the ‘fuck buddy’ way, it is perhaps a temporary, and in its own way honest solution to the demands our sexual nature makes on us. For myself, I could never do it, because for me sex and love are too closely linked.

What I would suggest is this: whatever choices we make in our sexual and love lives, honesty and clarity are paramount: clarity, so that we don’t fool ourselves, and honesty so that we don’t hurt anyone else.