I like to see what bloggers who read this site get up to.
I already made a discreet link to Snarkysnatch in my post on the most sensitive part of the vagina. She writes extensively on the physical side of sex to the almost complete and deliberate exclusion of any emotional intimacy. People who do this are looking for what they call a ‘fuck buddy.’
Snarkysnatch lays out the rules (page not safe for work) which are, in brief: no social contact – meet up only for sex; make it clear to each other that the relationship (such as it is) is only about sex and nothing else; always use a condom; separate after not more than 90 days.
I have a number of misgivings about this, which I’ll share in a moment. But it can be helpful sometimes to look at things without all our usual assumptions. The reason for examining things in this way is that we shall come out of it either with the ability to do things differently or with a deeper understanding of why we should continue as we are.
For myself, I am and always have been a romantic, in search of real love. My ideal (which is achievable – more on this another time) always was to find a soulmate, someone I could share with on every level: intellectual, emotional, spiritual and sexual. But not everyone is made this way. And even for those who are, the sexual makes its demands on us whether we will or no and whether we have a relationship in which the other aspects work or not.
For those of us in a time of sexual famine, the ‘fuck buddy’ option might suggest itself as a possible alternative to lonely masturbation or paying for sex. The rules at least are intended to minimise damage.
If there is no clarity then the age-old story frequently unfolds: man woos woman, he is driven largely by sex, he seems to promise or does promise both excitement and emotional warmth, she falls in love with him, he leaves her and she is heartbroken – with or without resulting children to look after. Men were deceivers ever, as Shakespeare put it.
Another story that can arise from the confusion: man marries woman he cannot really love, or who cannot really love him. No fault on either side – they just picked the wrong partner. Sex can be part of the mixture of desires that leads us to make wrong choices.
The ‘fuck buddy’ idea promises a certain amount of clarity – sex without deception and without permanent attachment to the wrong person. It sounds clinical, but so many people play the ordinary dating game with unclear rules – one wants sex more than love, the other uses sex as a way to get love – and from this lack of clarity all kinds of unnecessary pain result.
Personally I doubt whether the ‘fuck buddy’ idea can be turned into a satisfying way of life. We are mortal, our time is limited and we need more than just sex. It is clear that even our outspoken blogger Snarkysnatch falls in love (unusually this one is safe for work, at least at the time of writing) and has emotional needs. Emotional needs do get tangled up with sex. For those who practice sex in the ‘fuck buddy’ way, it is perhaps a temporary, and in its own way honest solution to the demands our sexual nature makes on us. For myself, I could never do it, because for me sex and love are too closely linked.
What I would suggest is this: whatever choices we make in our sexual and love lives, honesty and clarity are paramount: clarity, so that we don’t fool ourselves, and honesty so that we don’t hurt anyone else.