Unless you are a monk I recommend making the effort to achieve your desires.
The main and consistent focus of my life is looking for and finding ways of living in the present moment as much as possible. Along the way I came up against a number of very strong obsessions that were not connected with this effort, and that were occupying most of my waking thoughts. These were (1) the need for love and a life partner and (2) sex.
If you believe yourself to be on some kind of spiritual path, it is easy to convince yourself that you are working with transforming a lack – but this may be the coward’s way out.
Ask yourself whether the truth is that you have not yet found the courage to tackle these problems. Ask yourself whether you believe achieving what you want is too difficult, therefore you never start. Ask yourself whether the effort to achieve what you want might not be more challenging, more liberating than trying to live with frustration.
At some point I realised that, as Mr Gurdjieff put it, a roast chicken was not going to fly into my mouth. Just as anything I have ever achieved required effort, this was going to be no different. Then a friend pointed me towards some good advice, and another passed on his own techniques in the field of dating. I soaked up many ideas, some good, some that didn’t suit me, and I started applying the ones I thought were good. It was a steep learning curve, but I got there. Luckily for me, when I had it pretty well sorted, I met the love of my life.
One thing you learn along the way is that you are not who you think you are. This in itself is worth the price of the journey.
Later on I understood how to overcome unsatisfactory sexual performance too, and I have already provided some pointers to this in previous blog entries. Remarkably, the answer to this is being in the moment – and so we arrive back where we started.
Frequently I meet others who so obviously need to know what I have learned. What better time to write down what I know when the steps are still fresh in my mind? Hence two books: one on dating which I intend to publish soon, and one on sex which is already available.
To be first to know when my book on dating is published, please click on the ‘follow’ button top right on this page.
When other bloggers like my posts I usually pop over to their blogs to see what they are up to. If it’s relevant I like to comment here or post a link.
Here is what struck me as significant in NewHeavenOnEarth’s blog post on Spiritual Marriage:
Physical marriage is meant to be the training wheels for the real spiritual marriage of the soul to the Beloved. Spiritual marriage is the crucible of transformative love that is able to transform each partner into the divine complete self or anthropos, and reunite each completed self with God.
After that she lost me a bit in the discussion of different levels of inner and outer marriage. I don’t like to write about what I haven’t personally experienced, at least in some degree, so I’ll pass over what I don’t understand.
I think of sex as fuel. It’s high-octane. As such it is neither good nor bad. It’s up to us to use it wisely. Used correctly it can be the door to more presence and more real love, but only if we make the effort to be present to it.
I think that is why there is a connection between sex and the striving for clearer states of consciousness in many religions. Sometimes sex is integrated with religion, as in Tantra and as shown in some Hindu temple carvings. At other times the two are deliberately separated, as in some Western ascetic traditions where monks try to be celibate, perhaps in an effort to transmute sexual energy into a spiritual state.
(Note: I should have liked to avoid terms like ‘spiritual’ because such terms are often poorly used and the use of them closes more doors than it opens. But try as I might, I cannot avoid association-laden terms altogether. We need a new vocabulary.)
I also think it is essential, if a long-term relationship is to be happy, that the couple have some third point that completes the triangle. That third point should be a common aim and it should look beyond the couple’s own personal happiness to the happiness of others, whether it be some great cause or simply considering the needs of the people they come in contact with every day.
In this way a couple can assist each other on each one’s journey to the inner marriage of that which strives to that which is.
If you are reading this you may be interested in my book, ‘Last as long as you want in bed – 5 steps to overcoming premature ejaculation and to regaining control.’ Now is your chance to get a free copy.
(If you are a woman, you could get it for your man. Just tell him he’s a great lover anyway but you heard there are some very useful diagrams on pages 37-48 showing where a woman’s most sensitive areas are, which will help him be an even better stud than he already is.)
Why am I doing this? Simple: I want honest – not made-up by my chums – reviews for this book on Amazon.
All you have to do is click this email link and send me your postal mailing address and I’ll send you a copy of the book, wherever in the world you are. That’s all. Once I’ve done that I’ll delete your mailing address and your email address from my records.
Whether you write a review or not is up to you. But if you do, make it an honest one. I wrote this book because I know this method works – it worked for me – so I’m confident you’ll like it.
This is for that small (or maybe not so small) group of people who imagine that sex and the spiritual quest had better be kept in separate compartments – a blog post on my publisher’s blog at Narrow Gate Press.
It boils down to this: (1) don’t be in imagination; (2) do things in the right order.
Don’t make a lunge when you’ve had no signals whatever that it is the right time to do this. Be aware of signals that are actually coming from her. And not signals you’ve merely convinced yourself are coming from her.
The more we are thinking about what we want, the more detached from reality we become. We have a hope in our heads, “she likes me/ she wants me to kiss her,” and then we look for signs that fit with what we want to believe (I referred previously to the classic portrayal of this in Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night). We become victims of imagination.
The antidote to this is always to be considerate and to concern yourself with what she wants. That doesn’t mean being a wimp but it does entail keeping a clear head.
Combatting our own imagination is very difficult. When in doubt, don’t make the pass. Wait for her to make it obvious that she wants you to. You still have to be the one to lead, in most cases, because that’s what men do and that’s what most women want you to do. But make haste slowly. In any case, anticipation works in your favour.
Practical example: if you think she wants physical contact, start by touching her forearm or wrist very lightly (but not so quickly that it looks like an accident). Make eye-contact. See how she reacts. Then withdraw. This builds anticipation if she is ready, and does no harm if she isn’t.
If she sits so close to you that the side of her bottom is firmly pressed against yours it is probably safe to give her waist a little squeeze. Done correctly, this simply comes across as an affectionate gesture rather than a pass, so if more is not wanted (and you’ll know by whether she relaxes towards you or pulls away a little) no embarrassment is caused to either party. If this is received without recoil it is a sign that you can leave your arm round her waist for longer.
Key points: Do lead, but at the same time she must feel in control. Do not rush. Be sensitive to signals, not what you want to believe but what is. Do it in small stages: anticipation works in your favour. It is better to quit while you are ahead than to push it too far.
You know how Amazon keeps a lot of information about you? It keeps track of what you look at in order to put more stuff in front of your eyes that you might buy.
Looking on Amazon for a workbench (specifically the Triton SuperJaws) I found an advertisement underneath for My Regelence Rake, a novel whose cover sports two well-built men, one naked to the waist.
My wife asked me to click on the link in view of the aesthetic appeal of the man. Quite honestly he did nothing for me at all, but to please her I did. Behold, it is a Mills and Boon style novel about gay guys. Leaving aside the vexed question of what a Regelence is (did the author mean Regency?), I am left wondering why Amazon thinks I’m gay.
Does looking at a heavy-duty piece of woodworking equipment mean I’m very butch indeed?
This has nothing really to do with this blog, except that Harvey’s book does teach us one very important thing, that not only can it be an heroic struggle to be who you truly are, it can also be done with humour and consideration for others, even under the most trying circumstances.