Why are we so scared of just going up to a woman we are attracted to and saying “hi”?
Of course, common sense says we don’t do this when she is in the company of her very large and scary boyfriend. (Disclaimer: you follow any suggestions on this blog entirely at your own risk.) But that isn’t what I’m talking about.
There is a woman you find instantly attractive and you want to start up a conversation, and fear makes your blood run cold. What’s that all about?
I think it is the fear of rebuff which hits at our own insecurity. We think: she’ll laugh at me because I’m not handsome/ attractive/ whatever. Why would she want a worm like me, to paraphrase one of John Betjeman’s poems? This hits at our most basic idea of self-worth – that a woman wouldn’t want us.
There will be many occasions in which the woman who catches your eye will not be interested. She may already have a boyfriend or permanent partner. You may not be her type. Some women like older men, some don’t, some prefer tall men, some don’t, some like muscled men, others are put off by them, and so on. One key thing to understand is that a ‘not interested’ response should not be taken personally.
There are two ways of dealing with this, and they go hand-in-hand.
One is to learn how to make light repartee, so that we don’t get rebuffed. If she isn’t interested, you’ll still have had a fun though brief interchange, nothing lost on either side. If she is interested, so much the better (there is more to be said on what to do next if that occurs).
The other is to build inner confidence. The kind of confidence that says to itself, she wasn’t interested, well, no matter, her loss, there will be other women and other times. And one very good way of building inner confidence in this area is precisely to practice light repartee, because you will not be rebuffed (or so rarely it won’t matter). Every time you do this, confidence builds.
There is a whole section on how to practice light conversation and repartee in my new book.
Officially published today!
Dating – the missing manual:
you can attract and keep the woman of your dreams
(if they had taught this in school alongside algebra and French irregular verbs, my whole life would have been different)