Casual sex

Casual sex because what you really want is a stable intimate relationship? An unusual take on casual sex comes up in this woman’s blog post. She writes:

…the emotional aspects of sex were actually hurting my search for a stable intimate relationship.  I, like many women I know, had a difficult time separating emotion from sex.  The two were interlinked in my mind.  If I had sex with someone, if I shared myself in that intimate way, I was supposed to feel an emotional connection to them and I did.  There was no such thing as casual sex for me even when it was clear at the onset that sex was the only thing on the menu.  I was what my blogger friend referred to as “chickastalkarazzi.” I would be desperate to drag out something that never was, only prolonging my misery.

It was instilled in me before I hit puberty that women only had sex with men they loved and that the gift of giving yourself to a man meant a connection that would last a lifetime.  It meant forever.  In essence I grew up believing sex meant you were automatically in love and that in some way sex meant a relationship.  As I became sexually active I learned that this was not the truth yet still I felt that my relationships with men were anomalies.  So I tried over and over until I became frustrated with the idea of a lasting relationship and stopped dating until earlier this year when I found myself hurt, yet again, by the myth that was ingrained in me as a youth.

After a considerable amount of heartbreak I decided to address the one thing I felt was truly holding me back from an honest connection that could result in a relationship, my premature emotional attachment.  I began to date casually; the sole purpose for those dates was to develop a physical connection with someone I found attractive without becoming irrationally emotionally attached to men who were not emotionally available.

So, this woman’s need for sex got mixed up with her need for love. It’s an easy mistake to make, and I’ve made it myself.

Everyone is different, but we all have a need for sex (however this is expressed) and we all have a need for love. The two are not the same. If one person just wants sex and the other wants love, there’s bound to be unhappiness. I’ve known people get married with this confusion of desires. Perhaps neither of them knew what they really wanted or saw clearly enough what the other wanted.

I’m not necessarily advocating casual sex as a solution. Another woman posted a reply to the blog post I have quoted from:

I was set to start an argument about your defending casual sex but you laid it out in a way that made good sense. I so wish I had it in me but I can’t do it. Sex, whether casual or not, is a very intimate act…

I doubt whether casual sex can lead to finding the stable intimate relationship that the blogger (and quite possibly you, the reader) are looking for. But at any rate she was avoiding settling for someone unsuitable because of the confusion of needs.

This is how she explains what she was doing:

It really wasn’t about the sex for me but about changing a mindset that had crippled me emotionally. (I also abstained from sex for thirteen years so having lots of it was nice as well.)  I had rules during this exercise.

  • No more dates once we slept together.
  • No one spent the night and I never slept at anyone’s house.
  • I forced myself to be open with them.

I stuck to the rules and not once did I confuse what I was feeling.  I also learned a lot that I have carried with me as resumed my search.

  • If you are completely open without fear of judgment the judgment seems less harsh if there is judgment at all.
  • You realize far earlier on whether or not there is potential for something more significant than just a few dates.
  •  If you are honest and unashamed then men will be honest too.  You may not like that honesty but then you can make an informed decision about whether or not proceed.  You are basing your decision to proceed on things he has admitted to you rather than what you assume.

Presumably if she falls for someone she won’t sleep with him. That makes sense too, if you think about it. I’ll leave you, gentle reader, to dot the ‘i’s and cross the ‘t’s in the comments section.

Plug time! Readers of this blog will know by now that I am a big believer in finding a real soulmate. That’s why I wrote my book on dating.

US Amazon link here: Dating – the missing manual (paperback, 130 pages) – $9.50


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