A simple way of delaying ejaculation

There are few things more stimulating for a man than bringing his woman to ecstasy, and there are few things more disappointing than coming before she is satisfied.

We men easily come too quickly. There are a number of reasons for this, which I deal with in detail in my book Last as long as you want in bed.

One most important thing to understand is that men get turned on quickly but women take longer to be ready – you have to create the mood. Today, though, I’m going to assume you’ve done that and things are going well, but you’re at risk of coming before she does.

Here’s one of the tips from 10 hot tips for lasting longer in bed – my 99¢ ebook (UK link here):

A really excellent way of stimulating her without coming too soon

With you on top, rub the underside of the shaft of your penis against her clitoral area (see figure). You don’t have to worry about exact positioning because her vulva will more or less guide you into the correct area.

You can then thrust against her without being inside her. The stimulation you are getting is on the relatively less sensitive shaft of the penis, but the stimulation she is getting is fairly maximal.

I would add that if even that starts to get too much for you then continue clitoral stimulation with your fingers.

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Patience and attraction

When I was a teenager I was rubbish at attracting girls. A wise man told me that I should be patient. When we are older it will all work out.

He didn’t just mean, wait around and it will sort itself out without you having to make any effort. What he meant was, work on becoming a better human being and there will come a time when women will be attracted to you.

The premise here is not that you’ll be wildly successful at brief encounters. The premise is that if you become a better, stronger, kinder human being then the right kind of woman will be attracted to you.

This is true. If you have no substance then the best women will not be interested in you.

Even so, a good man still needs to understand what creates attraction in women. Think of a shop. It might have the most wonderful goods inside. But if there is nothing attractive in the window display, how will anyone ever know? If you don’t know the arts of attraction, how will a woman be attracted enough to you to want to get to know you better?

To find the woman of my dreams I had to learn what attracts and doesn’t attract women.

Luckily, attraction is a skill that can be learned.

Does pornography cause poor performance?

I wrote before in defence of pornography, saying that photographs of naked people can be celebrations of human beauty. The fact that they also give rise to sexual feelings does not make them bad (if you think giving rise to sexual feelings is bad, please explain why). But there are other considerations.

The risk (according to a rather wordy article in a free newspaper recently) is that young people will come to regard the kinds of sexual act shown in pornography as norms they should follow, and this will result in them becoming bad lovers. The argument is that pornography is now easier to access than genuine sex advice, and that young men will turn to this as a source of (mis)information.

Sexual acts in pornography videos almost never show any attempt to create the kind of atmosphere that would turn a woman on in real life.  She is assumed to be instantly ready. In addition she is assumed to enjoy a vigorous pounding without any expression of real intimacy and which goes on for a very long time. For some reason that is certainly beyond my comprehension she is also supposed to enjoy the man coming over her face or entering through the wrong orifice. These scenarios are male fantasies. I doubt most men could even perform at such length in the unlikely event of ever finding themselves in such a situation, and I’d hazard a guess that the female ‘ohs!’ and ‘aahs’ are for the most part scripted.

Of course, if a couple can and want to last twenty minutes or more in real life, then that is wonderful (my book, Last as long as you want in bed explains how to achieve this in a loving relationship and without drugs). But no-one tells a young person watching a video that goes on for that long that continuous pumping is not necessarily what women want, nor that the male ‘actors’ involved  have probably taken various drugs (SSRIs and perhaps Viagra) in order to sustain that rather unusual performance, nor that the average time  for normal young males from vaginal penetration to orgasm is actually about six minutes.

Thus an inexperienced man may attempt a sexual style which will most likely be a big turnoff for his woman, because he will not have warmed her up in the first place and because he will imagine he has to perform in a way that doesn’t take her desires into account. Because she will not be happy, his confidence will be damaged. This will make him anxious. This anxiety together with a lack of care for her pleasure will make him come too quickly. Anxiety about poor performance will then be carried over to his next sexual encounter and the whole problem will repeat, quite likely leading to premature ejaculation and/or problems sustaining an erection. That at any rate is a possible danger of learning about sex through pornography.

One giveaway that porn is not genuine, exciting, loving sex is that male porn stars are not infrequently seen to have less than full erections. They’re not having as much fun as they should be. It’s just a job to them.

Having said all that, I am not aware of any sociological studies confirming that there is really more of a problem now than before the internet age, or that as beginners we weren’t always rotten lovers. Even so, it does no harm to question the idea of sex that pornographers present, and to be aware that it is not real.

How do I find my soulmate?

Strategy. Finding your soulmate can be difficult. Finding someone for a quick fling is easier if you know how – the rules of attraction are the same. But how to find the one?

You can be great at chat-up and attraction (of which I have much more to say some other time) and still this part can be very difficult. You can go on date after date and nothing works out for the long term. You can even have dates that pall after the first ten minutes.

Why not start working on strategy now?

Let’s cut to the chase. Yards of verbiage are not needed to explain this. Go to places where the kind of woman who might be your soulmate would hang out. Sure, if you just want a quick fling, go to a bar or club (comedy clubs are fun too), and apply the techniques. But if you are (for example) into art, go to a gallery or join an art evening class (if there are no hot women there, join another one – join several – simple).

If you don’t like noisy nightclubs, why would you expect that your soulmate would? It’s possible, but you are lengthening the odds unnecessarily. Go to the places she might go to.

Your criteria for a soulmate are, or should be, pretty strict. Don’t compromise. Learning confidence will give you plenty of choice, so you don’t need to compromise. It then becomes a numbers game. Don’t waste time looking in the wrong places.

Let’s reframe hurt

How do we work with ending a relationship, or being on the receiving end of being left? On a blog owned by “You’re just a dumb ass” it is worth reading Let’s reframe hurt.

Here’s my two pence about ending a long relationship from my book “Dating – the missing manual.” (It really is a proper manual, because I cover everything including ending a short date and ending a long relationship, and what do do if dumped – of which more another time.)

Ending it gently

There is a horrible tendency to fall into hate when one falls out of love. I don’t know why this is, and it appears to be a deep-rooted thing that keeps divorce lawyers in pay.

One thing to avoid, so that you don’t have to be on the receiving end of justifiable hate, is making promises you don’t intend to keep. Be honest.

In any case try not to fall into hate – it’s a massive waste of your energy. Just because you weren’t right for each other, it’s nobody’s fault.

I am giving this advice because if you apply the rest of the advice in this book (tempered always by your own judgement, of course, which means, as always, you are responsible for your own actions) then you are very likely to be successful with women and a longer relationship is likely to follow.

If a longer relationship breaks down the same rule applies as with a brief date – be kind, be courteous. It didn’t work out, we’ve moved apart, are on different tracks. Nobody’s fault. It was good while it lasted, wasn’t it? (Of course it was or you wouldn’t have done it.) I wish you well.

Ideally, as a man with choices, you won’t settle for a woman before you find the right one and you won’t have children with a woman you’re not going to stay the course with. But realistically, these things happen.

Of course then other things have to be sorted out, like money and kids. Very important, especially kids. These important matters are well outside the scope of this guide. But try to see the bigger picture and be prepared to make reasonable sacrifices. Generosity in measure, and again patience.

Get it right, and your relationship with your children and even your ex- will still be making your life easier and happier when you’ve long since forgotten about the money. And less of the money will have gone to the lawyers.

Whether the relationship was short or long, you are the pilot of a plane. One of the engines isn’t working and the wheels have come off. Try to land without blowing up.

Looking at other women (or men)

“He clocks ‘em.”

When we are married or in a serious relationship, how acceptable is it still to admire attractive examples of the opposite sex?

Once a long time ago a newly married young woman complained to me that she was unhappy because when out with her husband he would still look at other women.

Her way of saying this was, ‘He clocks ‘em.’

Now it may be my lack of full fluency in the patois of that particular part of England (South East London, 1990s), but I assumed that just meant that he glanced at them. Of course it could mean more than that. It could mean that he made that kind of eye contact that stimulates reciprocated desire. (The Urban Dictionary first meaning of ‘clock’ currently reads: “1) To regard an act or object.” No suggestion of anything other than just looking.)

Clearly flirting with intent is a mark of unfaithfulness if one is already in a steady relationship. It’s as much to say, ‘I would if I could,’ and will not be acceptable to your partner.

On the other hand, that we are now in a serious relationship doesn’t suddenly switch off our receptivity to sexual signals, still less to the simple appreciation of beauty. So to expect a man or a woman to stop looking at other attractive people is unrealistic.

A middle path needs to be negotiated, in which both the man and the woman feel secure that they’re the one, without either partner having to hide the fact that they find other members of the opposite sex worth looking at. You might want to look at that young woman with the pretty face, excessive eye makeup and very short skirt, but you know if you think about it carefully that you wouldn’t want to spend too long in her company for fear of terminal boredom. Similarly your woman can admire that rugby player’s thighs without having any serious thoughts of abandoning your own more serious charms. (Can you handle that?)

Remarks, however, need to be thought about before being voiced. Openly to admire a woman’s legs might be acceptable, but only if your woman understands that her legs are superior. If it might come across as a possible criticism of her legs, don’t say it.

As long as your partner understands, at a deep level of certainty, that she is the one and only for you, and assuming you also don’t mind her admiring footballers with musculature somewhat superior to your own in very short shorts, then you may openly admire what is there to be admired.

A note of caution – don’t assume that things should be ‘fair.’ You’re the man and it’s your job to be both strong and sensitive.

It’s an area for explicit discussion between couples rather than for making assumptions.