Alarm bells – what not to do on a first date

Excellent advice from a female blogger about what not to do on a first date. Men, pay attention. If you do any of these things you may trigger alarm bells in her head.

alarmbellMy comments:

About the bill. I think the point here is that if you invite someone out, you pay. Certainly if you’re already in a relationship it’s reasonable to split the bill. When we were dating, the woman who is now my wife insisted on it. But if it’s a first date, and you’ve invited her, you pay.

Talking about sex on a first date – no (unless this is just a hookup for sex – but then that isn’t a date – it’s just a hookup). Or about your ex? No further comment from me required I think.

Bad table manners? I heard of one man who asked his date if she wanted a particular piece of food then took it off her plate without waiting for the answer. Needless to say that did not go down well.

Talking too much about yourself? You are the international man of mystery. Answer any questions she may ask, but only what she’s asked. Further detail is not required unless she asks for it. Keep turning the conversation back to her, and listen to the answers. She’ll think you’re wonderful if you can do it.

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4 thoughts on “Alarm bells – what not to do on a first date

  1. Hmmm, well. A recent date for me this happened:

    * The first question she asked was why my marriage broke down. I said though I do not go on dates with the intention of talking about it, I am happy to answer questions as fully as I am comfortable
    * It was a simple coffee date. As I stood up to get a second coffee she said “no, you sit down. You paid for the first one”.

    We had a fantastic second date, and we have a third this week so there are contexts where it is acceptable to break the above “rules”.

    Don’t talk about yourself too much? Keep turning it back to her? I disagree. You are both supposed to be learning about each other to figure out if you want to meet again. Being brief and continuing to turn it back may make you seem as though you are interested in her, true, but it might frustrate her if she comes away feeling she hasn’t learnt much about you? For me, a first date is about how conversation flows and it can’t flow it it feels like a quiz show where you give minimum answer for maximum return.

    But that’s just me; I guess feeling a connection is more important to me than anything else. I don’t want to date a narcissist who expects me to pay for everything :/

    • Thanks for your comment!
      Yes, there are often times when rules are to be broken. Also, well done for making the first date a coffee date – this avoids the situation where there is no chemistry and you’re stuck with each other for two hours.
      What I meant was, it is very boring if the man (or woman) goes off on a long monologue without checking whether his/her date is still interested. What you got was a dialogue, which is one reason your date was successful.
      It’s going well for you – please feel free to pass on any more comments about how to make dates go well!

      • That’s about the best bit of advice I can offer – first date should be coffee. My philosophy is that if you make it casual, there will clearly be a time limit of 45-90 mins.

        If you don’t get on you can part after a short while without feeling you’ve wasted time, money and effort. If you do get on, it leaves you wanting more from the other person leading perfectly into a more substantial second date.

        Oh yes, monologues. I guess I just misread what you said. It kind of read like you were saying “be brief in your answer and fire a question back at her” which I think is just as counterproductive. Flow of conversation is paramount, not who gets most of the airtime.

        I’m not sure I have much in the way of nuggets of wisdom. Despite being in my 30s, I still feel quite the amateur!

        • We agree I think. Listening is important, and watching how she reacts to what you say. I used to go off on long monologues of things that interested me without checking that she was still interested.

          If you’re successful then you will have nuggets of wisdom, once you’ve figured out in words what it is you’re doing right.

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