Knowing the signs

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One of the things that stands in the way of dating success is not knowing the signs.

No doubt there are whole books devoted to this. But the important thing is to start to become aware of the signs that a woman is attracted to you (or not). If you don’t spot them then you may try too hard with women who aren’t interested and miss opportunities with women who are.

The first error that many of us men fall into is to start looking for signs when we are already attracted to a woman. The problem with this is that we are prone to see what we wish to see rather than what is really there. This is very well illustrated in Shakespeare’s ‘Twelfth Night,’ when Malvolio is led to believe that Olivia is in love with him. He interprets everything she says and every glance as confirming what he wishes to believe, leading him in the end to a most unpleasant rude awakening. Try not to be in imagination.

Practice understanding signs when nothing much hangs on it.

I have to admit that I became much better at understanding signs after I was happily married, when the use of knowing the signs is to be able tactfully to deflect unwanted attentions!

Eye contact is very powerful. If a woman holds your gaze then be careful not to hold hers unless you want her to think you’re attracted to her. Be careful, because holding someone’s gaze can also be perceived as a threat. Try to tune into what is actually happening. This cannot be taught by formula.

Smiling can be deceiving. A woman might smile at you because she’s attracted to you. Equally she might smile just to be friendly, or even out of nervousness. Smiles can be used for attraction or defence. Again, observation from a neutral place rather than one of desire is useful training. Try to watch the interactions of others and see where they go wrong and what they get right.

Touching: if a woman while talking to you touches your arm, this is far less ambiguous – it probably means she’s attracted to you. If this happens and you are attracted to the woman you are doing well. But you can still easily mess up at this stage. Play it cool. If you’re interested, continue the conversation and maybe arrange a date – but don’t be too eager.

In general, watch body language as if you were a scientist. Any tips you get from books, don’t take as absolute – watch and learn.

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Things to know about a woman

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Women do not always seem logical to men, which means we often do the wrong thing because the apparently logical answer is not always the right answer. So we need some quick tips to guide us when the situation doesn’t make sense. Here is some excellent advice from blogger Clark Kent. (Note for pedants: I agree the use of apostrophes here is somewhat arbitrary. Click this link for the correct use of apostrophes.)

When she stare’s at your mouth!

[Kiss her!]

When she pushes you or hit’s you!

[Grab her and dont let go!]

When she start’s cursing at you!

[Kiss her and tell her you love her!]

When she’s quiet!

[Ask her whats wrong!]

When she ignore’s you!

[Give her your attention!]

When she pull’s away!

[Pull her back!]

When you see her at her worst!

[Tell her she’s beautiful!]

When you see her start crying!

[Just hold her and dont say a word!]

/more…

Click through for the full list. It won’t always work, but most times it will work reasonably well.

Clark Kent follows with a quotation from Eckhart Tolle. It is worth reading. Being in the moment, we are much more likely to be able to understand correctly what is happening, or at the very least, understand that we don’t understand.

I would add one more piece of advice. If you don’t know what to say, or what you want to say you have doubts about, say nothing.

Be silent, or let your words be worth more than silence – attributed to Pythagoras. (If anyone knows the source of this quotation, please let me know. I don’t record it from Diogenes Laertius Lives of the Philosophers, and Pythagoras himself wrote nothing that survives.)

This is the very definition and beauty of true art

This is the very definition and beauty of true art. (Re-blogged from One Thousand Single Days.)

These people had a real connection. This is what you are looking for when you are searching for a soulmate. Forever, or for a moment.

 

If you have not known sex, how can you drop it?

Clodion nude girlMaybe there are some who can find spiritual enlightenment in a monastery. But most of us live in a world which makes continual demands on us and in which our desires pop up wherever we look. How best to work with them?

Remember Tales from the Riverbank on TV a long time ago? I don’t mean the one with Ratty and Hammy the Hamster. I mean the Chinese stories. The stories were always interrupted at various points by Chinese proverbs, like, ‘Do not despise the snake for having no horns, for one day he will become a dragon! Even so, one just man can become an army!’ Great stuff.

(Through a combination of past life memory retrieval and Google I now realise it was called The Water Margin. Apparently it was based on a classic Chinese novel.)

Anyway, in one episode the Chinese proverb was, ‘It is said that Heaven is the absence of all desires. Even so, here was one man prepared to risk all to see his sweetheart!’

Wonderful!

You see the problem here? How can you deserve a sweetheart if you are not prepared to risk all to see her? But how can you risk anything if you have no desires?

Don’t try to resolve the paradox too quickly. I believe it is true that Heaven is the absence of all desires. At the same time, I believe it is necessary to follow one’s desires where they lead (tempered by common sense, inner discipline and consideration for others, of course). If you resolve the paradox too quickly you will miss the point.

Anyway, of this, enough. Here is the link I wanted to share with you. It is Osho’s view. You don’t have to like (or dislike) Osho to consider what he has to say.

http://o-meditation.com/2012/07/09/go-beyond-through-experiencing-osho/

Can you last longer than a boiled egg?

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There is a joke that goes like this.

The wife is in the kitchen early in the morning and her husband comes in. ‘Quick,’ she says, ‘take me right now.’ The husband is a bit surprised, but not wishing to let such an opportunity go by he obliges her on the kitchen table. He gives her a good seeing-to and when he’s finished he asks her, ‘Why the sudden urgency?’ She says, ‘Well I’m doing boiled eggs and the egg-timer is broken.’

The subtext of course is that he has come but she hasn’t. He’s too quick.

The joke is remarkably accurate, because studies show that the average male lasts about 5 minutes. There is a way for men to last much longer, if we want to.

I started this blog because of a surprising discovery.

Well, to be honest the surprising discovery was why I wrote my first book, Last as long as you want in bed, subtitled It’s not about you. And the purpose of the blog is to encourage you to buy the (remarkably inexpensive) book. But of that, enough for now.

The surprising discovery is so simple that when I state it you might well think, well I knew that already. It’s obvious. But if that is so, why do so many of us have problems with sex and in particular why do so many men come before they have satisfied their woman? Studies show that a third of all men have suffered some sexual dysfunction, with premature ejaculation being common (scientific references are in the book).

So what was the surprising and obvious discovery? It’s that real sex, the best sex, is about being there for the other person, and for a man, that means responding to what she wants and what turns her on. It requires an act of will, because you have to resist your desire to get right on with what your body is urging you to do. Most of all you have to be present – to her and to your own body – but at the same time not be a slave to your own body.

It’s not about you, it’s about her.

Strange, that being present is where we are usually not, and this leads to all kinds of disasters, not least in the bedroom (or the kitchen table, for that matter).

Yet by being present we can truly enjoy, in a much deeper way, what is actually happening, right now.

Your woman and now

Please overlook the misplaced apostrophes and understand. Today I can do no better than refer you to this blog post on another blog:

www.2baware.net/blog/uncategorized/things-to-know-about-a-woman

(My tour through Ovid’s Art of love will begin soon.)

Love and sex – 2

True love versus the quick fling:

The waking share one world in common, but each sleeper turns away to a world of his own. – Heraclitus (6th century BC)

Do we separate mind, heart and body when we have sex?

The best sex is when mind, heart and body are all involved together. Without the involvement of the heart, sex is merely mechanical pleasure.

A ‘sleeper’ in Heraclitus’s meaning is not necessarily one who is physically asleep, but one who is asleep to the reality of now, not here in body and mind, away with the fairies, in imagination of things not present.

Being truly present to your beloved is to enjoy a union far more pleasurable than the mere friction of body parts. At the same time, being present is the only way fully to enjoy the physical pleasures of sex.