Let’s reframe hurt

How do we work with ending a relationship, or being on the receiving end of being left? On a blog owned by “You’re just a dumb ass” it is worth reading Let’s reframe hurt.

Here’s my two pence about ending a long relationship from my book “Dating – the missing manual.” (It really is a proper manual, because I cover everything including ending a short date and ending a long relationship, and what do do if dumped – of which more another time.)

Ending it gently

There is a horrible tendency to fall into hate when one falls out of love. I don’t know why this is, and it appears to be a deep-rooted thing that keeps divorce lawyers in pay.

One thing to avoid, so that you don’t have to be on the receiving end of justifiable hate, is making promises you don’t intend to keep. Be honest.

In any case try not to fall into hate – it’s a massive waste of your energy. Just because you weren’t right for each other, it’s nobody’s fault.

I am giving this advice because if you apply the rest of the advice in this book (tempered always by your own judgement, of course, which means, as always, you are responsible for your own actions) then you are very likely to be successful with women and a longer relationship is likely to follow.

If a longer relationship breaks down the same rule applies as with a brief date – be kind, be courteous. It didn’t work out, we’ve moved apart, are on different tracks. Nobody’s fault. It was good while it lasted, wasn’t it? (Of course it was or you wouldn’t have done it.) I wish you well.

Ideally, as a man with choices, you won’t settle for a woman before you find the right one and you won’t have children with a woman you’re not going to stay the course with. But realistically, these things happen.

Of course then other things have to be sorted out, like money and kids. Very important, especially kids. These important matters are well outside the scope of this guide. But try to see the bigger picture and be prepared to make reasonable sacrifices. Generosity in measure, and again patience.

Get it right, and your relationship with your children and even your ex- will still be making your life easier and happier when you’ve long since forgotten about the money. And less of the money will have gone to the lawyers.

Whether the relationship was short or long, you are the pilot of a plane. One of the engines isn’t working and the wheels have come off. Try to land without blowing up.