Read on and I shall explain all.
So, your loved one has cooked you a delicious meal. We shall assume two things here.
One is that your loved one has indeed cooked you a delicious meal, even if she isn’t normally a good cook. Maybe she bought one of those upmarket pre-prepared meals and hid the packaging or maybe she tried something tasty and simple and really paid attention to buying the freshest ingredients and got the oven timings just right. Or maybe she just is an inspired cook. For the purpose of this discussion it doesn’t matter.
The other thing we shall assume is that you do the same for her as often as you can. Fair’s fair after all. If cooking is going to be mixed up with sex we might as well get that established right at the beginning.
You sit down to eat. You admire the presentation and smell the food. You know this is going to be good.
You take the first bite. It’s delicious. You can taste all the flavours and how they compliment each other. The sensations are wonderful. You compliment her on her cooking and a conversation starts. Meanwhile you continue eating until it’s all gone. Chomp chomp chomp, nom nom nom.
What happened between the first bite and the end of the meal?
Now fine, you have that sense of satisfaction that your stomach that was once empty is now full, and you also sort of enjoyed the other mouthfuls too. But how many of the bites did you taste with the full awareness of the first one? Did you really do justice to the effort she made?
You may want to argue that you were distracted by the conversation. But it is quite possible to be fully aware of each bite as we put it in our mouths, to get that full taste sensation again every time, and still be aware of her talking. There is no rush, after all, and we can listen to her, perhaps with the piece of food resting on the fork, so that we can give her our full attention, and then at the next pause we can pop the morsel into our mouth and again really taste it.
It’s the same with beer. It’s been a hot day and someone serves us a cold beer. That first sip! Mmm! Amazing! But how much do we enjoy or even notice the rest of the sips?
We are not used to living fully. We rush at life and miss things, even when there is no rush.
How does this relate to sex?
We make the same mistake with sex that we make with eating and drinking. We stop paying attention to what is actually happening and get distracted, not by her talking, which would be fine, but to some dialogue in our heads, some imagination about sex other than what it actually happening now, or sometimes by some entirely unrelated thought. If we could stay present to our actual bodily sensations, and at the same time to her needs and what works for her, we should enjoy sex much more.
This, perhaps unexpectedly, is also the key to overcoming premature ejaculation. It is imagination about sex during sex, rather than sex itself, that causes premature ejaculation. It’s like ‘chomp chomp chomp, nom nom nom’ when eating, instead of tasting each mouthful.
This is a little hard to explain, but here goes. In order really to taste a morsel of food, we have to create a little mental distance between us and the food. We have to rule our desire rather than be ruled by it. We have to create a little separation. Something in us wants to start eating straight away but we hold back for a moment, in order to allow the time and space in which to appreciate the food.
Another analogy. We’d like a glass of wine. Something in us wants to start drinking straight away. But what does a real wine connoisseur do? He or she looks at the colour of the wine, swirls it around the glass, watches how the drops run down inside the glass (called ‘legs’ – in this situation you can get away with saying ‘nice legs’), smells it, maybe pauses a moment, and only then takes a sip. Why do they do this? Is it because they like to show off? Maybe, but serious wine lovers do this because it very much increases their enjoyment of the wine. They stop their instinctive self indulging in an unaware mechanical fashion and by doing this they get much longer, more intense pleasure.
And longer, more intense pleasure is of course what we want.
How do we apply this to sex? It’s a matter of mental discipline.
It’s not a method applied once at the beginning of sex but a method applied repeatedly during sex. It is the equivalent of tasting each bite of food or each sip of beer. What we need to do is to keep being aware of our beloved, of what her needs and wants are. If we start imagining ourselves as some kind of stud and begin to lose ourselves in imagination about what is happening or what is going to happen, then we’re lost very quickly. Nom nom nom (you can supply the equivalent sounds yourself). It’s just as bad if we start worrying that we’re not satisfying her. Anxiety kills sex. If we find this happening we can create a little separation, a little pause in which to come back into the present moment and be with her.
Eye-contact is one very powerful tool here.
It is strange, but to remain present to our beloved actually requires continuous effort. Notice how something wants to drag the mind away from the present moment. Real pleasure requires effort. Why not?
Why should appreciating wine require effort but sex be automatic?
So, whether drinking, eating (I was tempted to say, ‘forking’) or making love, create a little separation between you and your desire, and be present to what is happening.