Things to know about a woman

bacchante

Women do not always seem logical to men, which means we often do the wrong thing because the apparently logical answer is not always the right answer. So we need some quick tips to guide us when the situation doesn’t make sense. Here is some excellent advice from blogger Clark Kent. (Note for pedants: I agree the use of apostrophes here is somewhat arbitrary. Click this link for the correct use of apostrophes.)

When she stare’s at your mouth!

[Kiss her!]

When she pushes you or hit’s you!

[Grab her and dont let go!]

When she start’s cursing at you!

[Kiss her and tell her you love her!]

When she’s quiet!

[Ask her whats wrong!]

When she ignore’s you!

[Give her your attention!]

When she pull’s away!

[Pull her back!]

When you see her at her worst!

[Tell her she’s beautiful!]

When you see her start crying!

[Just hold her and dont say a word!]

/more…

Click through for the full list. It won’t always work, but most times it will work reasonably well.

Clark Kent follows with a quotation from Eckhart Tolle. It is worth reading. Being in the moment, we are much more likely to be able to understand correctly what is happening, or at the very least, understand that we don’t understand.

I would add one more piece of advice. If you don’t know what to say, or what you want to say you have doubts about, say nothing.

Be silent, or let your words be worth more than silence – attributed to Pythagoras. (If anyone knows the source of this quotation, please let me know. I don’t record it from Diogenes Laertius Lives of the Philosophers, and Pythagoras himself wrote nothing that survives.)

Your woman and now

Please overlook the misplaced apostrophes and understand. Today I can do no better than refer you to this blog post on another blog:

www.2baware.net/blog/uncategorized/things-to-know-about-a-woman

(My tour through Ovid’s Art of love will begin soon.)

Love and sex – 2

True love versus the quick fling:

The waking share one world in common, but each sleeper turns away to a world of his own. – Heraclitus (6th century BC)

Do we separate mind, heart and body when we have sex?

The best sex is when mind, heart and body are all involved together. Without the involvement of the heart, sex is merely mechanical pleasure.

A ‘sleeper’ in Heraclitus’s meaning is not necessarily one who is physically asleep, but one who is asleep to the reality of now, not here in body and mind, away with the fairies, in imagination of things not present.

Being truly present to your beloved is to enjoy a union far more pleasurable than the mere friction of body parts. At the same time, being present is the only way fully to enjoy the physical pleasures of sex.

Does pornography cause poor performance?

I wrote before in defence of pornography, saying that photographs of naked people can be celebrations of human beauty. The fact that they also give rise to sexual feelings does not make them bad (if you think giving rise to sexual feelings is bad, please explain why). But there are other considerations.

The risk (according to a rather wordy article in a free newspaper recently) is that young people will come to regard the kinds of sexual act shown in pornography as norms they should follow, and this will result in them becoming bad lovers. The argument is that pornography is now easier to access than genuine sex advice, and that young men will turn to this as a source of (mis)information.

Sexual acts in pornography videos almost never show any attempt to create the kind of atmosphere that would turn a woman on in real life.  She is assumed to be instantly ready. In addition she is assumed to enjoy a vigorous pounding without any expression of real intimacy and which goes on for a very long time. For some reason that is certainly beyond my comprehension she is also supposed to enjoy the man coming over her face or entering through the wrong orifice. These scenarios are male fantasies. I doubt most men could even perform at such length in the unlikely event of ever finding themselves in such a situation, and I’d hazard a guess that the female ‘ohs!’ and ‘aahs’ are for the most part scripted.

Of course, if a couple can and want to last twenty minutes or more in real life, then that is wonderful (my book, Last as long as you want in bed explains how to achieve this in a loving relationship and without drugs). But no-one tells a young person watching a video that goes on for that long that continuous pumping is not necessarily what women want, nor that the male ‘actors’ involved  have probably taken various drugs (SSRIs and perhaps Viagra) in order to sustain that rather unusual performance, nor that the average time  for normal young males from vaginal penetration to orgasm is actually about six minutes.

Thus an inexperienced man may attempt a sexual style which will most likely be a big turnoff for his woman, because he will not have warmed her up in the first place and because he will imagine he has to perform in a way that doesn’t take her desires into account. Because she will not be happy, his confidence will be damaged. This will make him anxious. This anxiety together with a lack of care for her pleasure will make him come too quickly. Anxiety about poor performance will then be carried over to his next sexual encounter and the whole problem will repeat, quite likely leading to premature ejaculation and/or problems sustaining an erection. That at any rate is a possible danger of learning about sex through pornography.

One giveaway that porn is not genuine, exciting, loving sex is that male porn stars are not infrequently seen to have less than full erections. They’re not having as much fun as they should be. It’s just a job to them.

Having said all that, I am not aware of any sociological studies confirming that there is really more of a problem now than before the internet age, or that as beginners we weren’t always rotten lovers. Even so, it does no harm to question the idea of sex that pornographers present, and to be aware that it is not real.

Rush hour crush – 4

I think a lot of us live in dreamland.

Do we really want to meet the man or woman of our dreams or do we just want to fantasize about it?

Here are two examples from the ‘Rush hour crush’ section of the Metro newspaper today.

Example 1:

To the gentleman with the gym bag who catches the 08.32 from Penarth to Queen Street every morning. Let me see how many shades you have. Drink? – Brunette

Ooh la la! The reference to ‘shades’ is probably something to do with the recent publication of the ‘shades of grey’ novels, which I understand have lots of references to kinky sex. So if the guy with the gym bag is into that then it’s game on. But (even assuming he reads today’s Metro) how is he to know which brunette is offering? I can imagine a highly amusing farce made out of that (writers of TV comedy take note).

Ok, there is a chance that the target of these entertaining texts will actually read them. And that might just break the ice (or facilitate a very polite refusal) in the event that the two of them ever actually talk to each other. But please, Brunette, consider adding a bit more of a description. Why not wear an unusual brightly coloured shoulder bag or a distinguishing hair ornament? If you weren’t wearing anything eye-catching on the day you could still have said that’s what you’ll be wearing next time. You’ll have to be the one to break the ice unless you do that.

And for the avoidance of doubt, as the lawyers say, the gentleman wasn’t me and I’m not into shades of grey.

Example 2:

To the man with the white dog on the train from Clapham Junction on Saturday, I wish I’d written your number down before you got off at Feltham. Coffee sometime? – Smiley Brunette

Of course this is better. The description of the man is more precise, because fewer men have white dogs than have gym bags. And Smiley Brunette is a little more specific than Brunette.

On the other hand the description could have been improved by stating the time of the train at Clapham Junction. But maybe this isn’t so important, because the text suggests that they actually spoke. I deduce this because she writes “I wish I’d written your number down…” rather than “I wish I’d spoken to you.” So almost full marks here.

Next time, ask for an email or mobile number, or if really shy, at least a Facebook name. “Hey, are you on Facebook?” is a risk-free question. Actually, asking someone if they’d like to meet for coffee sometime is also risk-free. If they’re not interested (or married – check the left hand) they can always find a polite way of declining.

Lessons?

1. If you see someone you fancy, make some harmless remark (the weather, overcrowding on the tube, ‘nice gym bag, where did you get it?,’ ‘what kind of dog is that?,’ whatever) and see if a conversation develops;

2. If a conversation develops in a positive way, ask for a Facebook name/ email/ mobile phone number;

3. If you only think of these things when it’s too late and you text in to the newspaper, you need to be specific enough that the intended recipient has half a chance of knowing who you are. But I can’t help thinking that the ‘Rush hour crush’ column is the repository of lost dreams.

Why don’t we act on our desires? I’ll talk about fear of rejection another time, but it’s all imagination, really. The sky will not fall in.

How not to be a creep

Here’s one young woman’s guide to not being a creep.

It boils down to this: (1) don’t be in imagination; (2) do things in the right order.

Don’t make a lunge when you’ve had no signals whatever that it is the right time to do this. Be aware of signals that are actually coming from her. And not signals you’ve merely convinced yourself are coming from her.

The more we are thinking about what we want, the more detached from reality we become. We have a hope in our heads, “she likes me/ she wants me to kiss her,” and then we look for signs that fit with what we want to believe (I referred previously to the classic portrayal of this in Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night). We become victims of imagination.

The antidote to this is always to be considerate and to concern yourself with what she wants. That doesn’t mean being a wimp but it does entail keeping a clear head.

Combatting our own imagination is very difficult. When in doubt, don’t make the pass. Wait for her to make it obvious that she wants you to. You still have to be the one to lead, in most cases, because that’s what men do and that’s what most women want you to do. But make haste slowly. In any case, anticipation works in your favour.

Practical example: if you think she wants physical contact, start by touching her forearm or wrist very lightly (but not so quickly that it looks like an accident). Make eye-contact. See how she reacts. Then withdraw. This builds anticipation if she is ready, and does no harm if she isn’t.

If she sits so close to you that the side of her bottom is firmly pressed against yours it is probably safe to give her waist a little squeeze. Done correctly, this simply comes across as an affectionate gesture rather than a pass, so if more is not wanted (and you’ll know by whether she relaxes towards you or pulls away a little) no embarrassment is caused to either party. If this is received without recoil it is a sign that you can leave your arm round her waist for longer.

Key points: Do lead, but at the same time she must feel in control. Do not rush. Be sensitive to signals, not what you want to believe but what is. Do it in small stages: anticipation works in your favour. It is better to quit while you are ahead than to push it too far.

In response to criticism of pornography

In response to this criticism of pornography on another blog:

… The addict to pornography desires to be blinded, to live in a dream. Those in the thrall of pornography try to eliminate from their consciousness the world outside pornography […]. In engaging in such elimination the viewer reduces himself. He becomes stupid.

I wrote:

One can become lost in a cup of coffee, a glass of wine, thinking about whether one will get a pay rise, the rent, the mortgage, carrying anger against one’s beloved for some trivial matter, self-justification, ten thousand things that are not one self. Why single out pornography? It is only the image of the beloved, warped and distanced because one is separated from the reality. It is not the object of our identification that is at fault, but our identification with it.

Yes, pornography has dangers, but so does reading the newspaper or watching TV, or indeed reading or writing blogs. Any communication can become a substitute for reality, an end in itself. It is also possible for a piece of writing, theatre, song, painting, photograph to point beyond itself.

The line between art and pornography has been debated before, and it is an interesting question, perhaps without a definite answer. If you see beauty in what someone else calls pornography, then it is beauty that you see.

There is the intention of the artist or photographer, and there is your intention as viewer. Of course a definite result is more likely if these intentions coincide. And what kind of result do you want? But if you want to be inspired, be inspired.