How can I attract a woman? Dealing with rebuffs

Why are we so scared of just going up to a woman we are attracted to and saying “hi”?

Of course, common sense says we don’t do this when she is in the company of her very large and scary boyfriend. (Disclaimer: you follow any suggestions on this blog entirely at your own risk.) But that isn’t what I’m talking about.

There is a woman you find instantly attractive and you want to start up a conversation, and fear makes your blood run cold. What’s that all about?

I think it is the fear of rebuff which hits at our own insecurity. We think: she’ll laugh at me because I’m not handsome/ attractive/ whatever. Why would she want a worm like me, to paraphrase one of John Betjeman’s poems? This hits at our most basic idea of self-worth – that a woman wouldn’t want us.

There will be many occasions in which the woman who catches your eye will not be interested. She may already have a boyfriend or permanent partner. You may not be her type. Some women like older men, some don’t, some prefer tall men, some don’t, some like muscled men, others are put off by them, and so on. One key thing to understand is that a ‘not interested’ response should not be taken personally.

There are two ways of dealing with this, and they go hand-in-hand.

One is to learn how to make light repartee, so that we don’t get rebuffed. If she isn’t interested, you’ll still have had a fun though brief interchange, nothing lost on either side. If she is interested, so much the better (there is more to be said on what to do next if that occurs).

The other is to build inner confidence. The kind of confidence that says to itself, she wasn’t interested, well, no matter, her loss, there will be other women and other times. And one very good way of building inner confidence in this area is precisely to practice light repartee, because you will not be rebuffed (or so rarely it won’t matter). Every time you do this, confidence builds.

There is a whole section on how to practice light conversation and repartee in my new book.

Officially published today!

Dating – the missing manual:

you can attract and keep the woman of your dreams

(if they had taught this in school alongside algebra and French irregular verbs, my whole life would have been different)


Attracting a woman – practicing repartee

What do you say after you say “hi?”

I talked before about repartee – making light conversation. It can be about anything. Just pick up something in the situation that seems natural to talk about. Be creative, but don’t spend too long thinking about it or the moment will have passed.

Example: you go into a wine shop and luckily you are served by an attractive woman. You ask advice about what wines might go with the meal you are planning. You want advice anyway, that’s why you’re in the shop. You might then say, “You seem to know everything. Do they make you taste all the wine in the shop?” Silly conversation opener, but it has the merit of (1) being lighthearted and (2) being about her.

Top tip: people love talking about themselves.

I’m not going to talk you through how to turn that into a date right now. You may not be ready for that yet. The point of this post is to say, practice. Practice even on women you wouldn’t want to ask out on a date. Practice on the till girl in the supermarket, even if she isn’t your type. Even practice on men too.

The point of practicing on people you don’t necessarily fancy is that it removes the fear of rejection. You will find that you are seldom rebuffed and this will build confidence. You are honing your skills for the moment when it will count. You are practicing becoming a fearless master of light conversation.

Don’t imagine the right words will just come into your head when you see that really hot woman you want to talk into a date. Most likely fear will freeze your mind and by the time you’ve worked out the perfect thing to say the moment will have passed. You need to practice. Don’t worry if it’s a bit clunky at first, but keep practicing and give yourself a mental pat on the back every time you do this.

One more thing to make this easier. Stop worrying about yourself. Your aim is to make the other person smile.