Quest for the female orgasm

cabanel_the_birth_of_venus_1863In The Quest for the Big ‘O’ a mystery blogger on OnceAMonth4Ladies writes:

I started to realize at about the age of 18 that most of my female friends had had an orgasm … and I had not.

Men, get a copy of my book. Pay particular attention to getting her in the mood and foreplay. Aim to pleasure her and delay your own pleasure. It can be done.

Can you last longer than a boiled egg?

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There is a joke that goes like this.

The wife is in the kitchen early in the morning and her husband comes in. ‘Quick,’ she says, ‘take me right now.’ The husband is a bit surprised, but not wishing to let such an opportunity go by he obliges her on the kitchen table. He gives her a good seeing-to and when he’s finished he asks her, ‘Why the sudden urgency?’ She says, ‘Well I’m doing boiled eggs and the egg-timer is broken.’

The subtext of course is that he has come but she hasn’t. He’s too quick.

The joke is remarkably accurate, because studies show that the average male lasts about 5 minutes. There is a way for men to last much longer, if we want to.

I started this blog because of a surprising discovery.

Well, to be honest the surprising discovery was why I wrote my first book, Last as long as you want in bed, subtitled It’s not about you. And the purpose of the blog is to encourage you to buy the (remarkably inexpensive) book. But of that, enough for now.

The surprising discovery is so simple that when I state it you might well think, well I knew that already. It’s obvious. But if that is so, why do so many of us have problems with sex and in particular why do so many men come before they have satisfied their woman? Studies show that a third of all men have suffered some sexual dysfunction, with premature ejaculation being common (scientific references are in the book).

So what was the surprising and obvious discovery? It’s that real sex, the best sex, is about being there for the other person, and for a man, that means responding to what she wants and what turns her on. It requires an act of will, because you have to resist your desire to get right on with what your body is urging you to do. Most of all you have to be present – to her and to your own body – but at the same time not be a slave to your own body.

It’s not about you, it’s about her.

Strange, that being present is where we are usually not, and this leads to all kinds of disasters, not least in the bedroom (or the kitchen table, for that matter).

Yet by being present we can truly enjoy, in a much deeper way, what is actually happening, right now.

A simple way of delaying ejaculation

There are few things more stimulating for a man than bringing his woman to ecstasy, and there are few things more disappointing than coming before she is satisfied.

We men easily come too quickly. There are a number of reasons for this, which I deal with in detail in my book Last as long as you want in bed.

One most important thing to understand is that men get turned on quickly but women take longer to be ready – you have to create the mood. Today, though, I’m going to assume you’ve done that and things are going well, but you’re at risk of coming before she does.

Here’s one of the tips from 10 hot tips for lasting longer in bed – my 99¢ ebook (UK link here):

A really excellent way of stimulating her without coming too soon

With you on top, rub the underside of the shaft of your penis against her clitoral area (see figure). You don’t have to worry about exact positioning because her vulva will more or less guide you into the correct area.

You can then thrust against her without being inside her. The stimulation you are getting is on the relatively less sensitive shaft of the penis, but the stimulation she is getting is fairly maximal.

I would add that if even that starts to get too much for you then continue clitoral stimulation with your fingers.

Does pornography cause poor performance?

I wrote before in defence of pornography, saying that photographs of naked people can be celebrations of human beauty. The fact that they also give rise to sexual feelings does not make them bad (if you think giving rise to sexual feelings is bad, please explain why). But there are other considerations.

The risk (according to a rather wordy article in a free newspaper recently) is that young people will come to regard the kinds of sexual act shown in pornography as norms they should follow, and this will result in them becoming bad lovers. The argument is that pornography is now easier to access than genuine sex advice, and that young men will turn to this as a source of (mis)information.

Sexual acts in pornography videos almost never show any attempt to create the kind of atmosphere that would turn a woman on in real life.  She is assumed to be instantly ready. In addition she is assumed to enjoy a vigorous pounding without any expression of real intimacy and which goes on for a very long time. For some reason that is certainly beyond my comprehension she is also supposed to enjoy the man coming over her face or entering through the wrong orifice. These scenarios are male fantasies. I doubt most men could even perform at such length in the unlikely event of ever finding themselves in such a situation, and I’d hazard a guess that the female ‘ohs!’ and ‘aahs’ are for the most part scripted.

Of course, if a couple can and want to last twenty minutes or more in real life, then that is wonderful (my book, Last as long as you want in bed explains how to achieve this in a loving relationship and without drugs). But no-one tells a young person watching a video that goes on for that long that continuous pumping is not necessarily what women want, nor that the male ‘actors’ involved  have probably taken various drugs (SSRIs and perhaps Viagra) in order to sustain that rather unusual performance, nor that the average time  for normal young males from vaginal penetration to orgasm is actually about six minutes.

Thus an inexperienced man may attempt a sexual style which will most likely be a big turnoff for his woman, because he will not have warmed her up in the first place and because he will imagine he has to perform in a way that doesn’t take her desires into account. Because she will not be happy, his confidence will be damaged. This will make him anxious. This anxiety together with a lack of care for her pleasure will make him come too quickly. Anxiety about poor performance will then be carried over to his next sexual encounter and the whole problem will repeat, quite likely leading to premature ejaculation and/or problems sustaining an erection. That at any rate is a possible danger of learning about sex through pornography.

One giveaway that porn is not genuine, exciting, loving sex is that male porn stars are not infrequently seen to have less than full erections. They’re not having as much fun as they should be. It’s just a job to them.

Having said all that, I am not aware of any sociological studies confirming that there is really more of a problem now than before the internet age, or that as beginners we weren’t always rotten lovers. Even so, it does no harm to question the idea of sex that pornographers present, and to be aware that it is not real.

How home cooking can cure premature ejaculation

Really?

Read on and I shall explain all.

So, your loved one has cooked you a delicious meal. We shall assume two things here.

One is that your loved one has indeed cooked you a delicious meal, even if she isn’t normally a good cook. Maybe she bought one of those upmarket pre-prepared meals and hid the packaging or maybe she tried something tasty and simple and really paid attention to buying the freshest ingredients and got the oven timings just right. Or maybe she just is an inspired cook. For the purpose of this discussion it doesn’t matter.

The other thing we shall assume is that you do the same for her as often as you can. Fair’s fair after all. If cooking is going to be mixed up with sex we might as well get that established right at the beginning.

You sit down to eat. You admire the presentation and smell the food. You know this is going to be good.

You take the first bite. It’s delicious. You can taste all the flavours and how they compliment each other. The sensations are wonderful. You compliment her on her cooking and a conversation starts. Meanwhile you continue eating until it’s all gone. Chomp chomp chomp, nom nom nom.

What happened between the first bite and the end of the meal?

Now fine, you have that sense of satisfaction that your stomach that was once empty is now full, and you also sort of enjoyed the other mouthfuls too. But how many of the bites did you taste with the full awareness of the first one? Did you really do justice to the effort she made?

You may want to argue that you were distracted by the conversation. But it is quite possible to be fully aware of each bite as we put it in our mouths, to get that full taste sensation again every time, and still be aware of her talking. There is no rush, after all, and we can listen to her, perhaps with the piece of food resting on the fork, so that we can give her our full attention, and then at the next pause we can pop the morsel into our mouth and again really taste it.

It’s the same with beer. It’s been a hot day and someone serves us a cold beer. That first sip! Mmm! Amazing! But how much do we enjoy or even notice the rest of the sips?

We are not used to living fully. We rush at life and miss things, even when there is no rush.

How does this relate to sex?

We make the same mistake with sex that we make with eating and drinking. We stop paying attention to what is actually happening and get distracted, not by her talking, which would be fine, but to some dialogue in our heads, some imagination about sex other than what it actually happening now, or sometimes by some entirely unrelated thought. If we could stay present to our actual bodily sensations, and at the same time to her needs and what works for her, we should enjoy sex much more.

This, perhaps unexpectedly, is also the key to overcoming premature ejaculation. It is imagination about sex during sex, rather than sex itself, that causes premature ejaculation. It’s like ‘chomp chomp chomp, nom nom nom’ when eating, instead of tasting each mouthful.

This is a little hard to explain, but here goes. In order really to taste a morsel of food, we have to create a little mental distance between us and the food. We have to rule our desire rather than be ruled by it. We have to create a little separation. Something in us wants to start eating straight away but we hold back for a moment, in order to allow the time and space in which to appreciate the food.

Another analogy. We’d like a glass of wine. Something in us wants to start drinking straight away. But what does a real wine connoisseur do? He or she looks at the colour of the wine, swirls it around the glass, watches how the drops run down inside the glass (called ‘legs’ – in this situation you can get away with saying ‘nice legs’), smells it, maybe pauses a moment, and only then takes a sip. Why do they do this? Is it because they like to show off? Maybe, but serious wine lovers do this because it very much increases their enjoyment of the wine. They stop their instinctive self indulging in an unaware mechanical fashion and by doing this they get much longer, more intense pleasure.

And longer, more intense pleasure is of course what we want.

How do we apply this to sex? It’s a matter of mental discipline.

It’s not a method applied once at the beginning of sex but a method applied repeatedly during sex. It is the equivalent of tasting each bite of food or each sip of beer. What we need to do is to keep being aware of our beloved, of what her needs and wants are. If we start imagining ourselves as some kind of stud and begin to lose ourselves in imagination about what is happening or what is going to happen, then we’re lost very quickly. Nom nom nom (you can supply the equivalent sounds yourself). It’s just as bad if we start worrying that we’re not satisfying her. Anxiety kills sex. If we find this happening we can create a little separation, a little pause in which to come back into the present moment and be with her.

Eye-contact is one very powerful tool here.

It is strange, but to remain present to our beloved actually requires continuous effort. Notice how something wants to drag the mind away from the present moment. Real pleasure requires effort. Why not?

Why should appreciating wine require effort but sex be automatic?

So, whether drinking, eating (I was tempted to say, ‘forking’) or making love, create a little separation between you and your desire, and be present to what is happening.

This works.

Free book! Time limited offer.

If you are reading this you may be interested in my book, ‘Last as long as you want in bed – 5 steps to overcoming premature ejaculation and to regaining control.’ Now is your chance to get a free copy.

(If you are a woman, you could get it for your man. Just tell him he’s a great lover anyway but you heard there are some very useful diagrams on pages 37-48 showing where a woman’s most sensitive areas are, which will help him be an even better stud than he already is.)

Why am I doing this? Simple: I want honest – not made-up by my chums – reviews for this book on Amazon.

All you have to do is click this email link and send me your postal mailing address and I’ll send you a copy of the book, wherever in the world you are. That’s all. Once I’ve done that I’ll delete your mailing address and your email address from my records.

Whether you write a review or not is up to you. But if you do, make it an honest one. I wrote this book because I know this method works – it worked for me – so I’m confident you’ll like it.

The Amazon link is here: Last as long as you want in bed.

I shall not be repeating this offer, so please act now. When the free books are gone, they’re gone.

Whether you ask for your free book or not, you can follow my dating and sex tips on this bog free by clicking the follow button (top right of this page).

Best regards,

Dr Cornelius Agrippa

P.S: if you already have a copy of the book, please consider writing a review on Amazon using the link above.

Overcome premature ejaculation

My ebook, 10 hot tips for lasting longer in bed and giving your woman more pleasure – practical sexual anatomy for men who love women (snappy title I know), is available for a limited time free to subscribers to Amazon Prime, through the Kindle Owners’ Lending Library. For this reason I have had to remove the free pdf link from this page.

If you aren’t a member of Amazon Prime you can still buy 10 hot tips for a mere 99¢. Go to the Amazon Kindle store and type in ’10 hot tips’ into the search box, or click here (US link) or here (UK link).

If you are an iPad or iPhone user you should know that all Kindle books are readable on those devices. The Kindle app for iPad and iPhone is free at the time of writing and it is downloadable from http://amzn.to/9CfhDH or search for Kindle in the App Store.

Free Kindle reading apps are also available for Android phone or tablet, PC, Mac, BlackBerry, or Windows phone 7 from the same source.